Here are some funny one liners!
-I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
-I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
-The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
-Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.
-Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men
can fake a whole relationship.
-We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
-Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
-We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
-Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
-Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
-War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
-If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
-The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
-Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
-Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
-If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong…
-Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
-A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
-My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
-I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
-If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
-I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
-If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
-Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
-If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?
-Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.